“I found my spot in the shadows of
life. The corners untouched by even the most misplaced souls.
I hid in the dark, holding my
breath. I isolated myself and covered up with independence. I threw trust to
the curb and relied on only myself. My broken, scared self.
And I died.
Moment by moment, life slipped from
my veins. And before I knew it, I was gone.”
This came from a not-so-lost page in
my journal.
Sounds dramatic, I know. But that’s
how depression is. Even if the actions of depression don’t show such drama, the
thoughts and emotions of someone failing to survive it are so full of despair
that they face the danger of it ripping them apart at any moment, from the
inside out.
That is my life.
Daily, I struggle with depression,
although I personally think it doesn't deserve that many letters. Four could do
the trick. Ya know, a word that starts with H and ends with ELL. (And yes, the
caps are definitely called for.)
You see, depression lurks in the
parts of someone that could never be seen with the eye. It cuts you in all the
worst places; the ones already beaten and bruised. It screams in a voice so
hard to drown out that you catch yourself yelling back at it, tears streaming. It
clings to your lungs, making each breath more difficult than the last.
It lies. It tortures. It mocks. And it
cripples.
The last few months have been some
of the darkest I've ever had.
And those around me may not even
notice it. Because I've done my best to hide it. Ya see, I’m used to being the
smiling girl. The one with all the jokes. The one to hand out encouragement and
truth. And that’s a truly hard person to be when you can barely breathe yourself.
I’m a teacher, spending my days
emptying myself so that my students may be full. I’m a youth director, all
efforts going to be a safe person in the lives of some who have no one to call
their own. I’m a friend, a daughter, a sister; each of which require some sort
of selflessness. Each with its own standards, formed by many different people. And
in these last few months, I have come to learn just how intense those standards
are. Some require me to hide that I’m human and I actually break sometimes. Some
seek only acts of kindness, love and influence without the option of honesty. Others
entail a happy-go-lucky Christian who is protected by life’s hard moments by
the shield of religion and padded pews. And I can’t meet any of those. Because I
am human and I not only do I break sometimes, but I’m currently in a place of
brokenness.
And that’s why I’m writing this. Not
because I want attention, not for pity or “poor thing” responses. I’m writing
this for all the others out there like me. The ones who are hurting so bad,
they can barely see through their pain. I’m writing for everyone, male or
female, so busy trying to live up to expectations that they have taken a break
from seeking Truth, like I have.
I've slacked. I stepped away from my
time and devotion to the Most High so that I could meet smiling expectations of
those who don’t even have a clue of what’s going on with me. And I've wasted. I've wasted time. I've wasted energy. I've wasted away, piece by piece.
I stepped away from the only One who
not only knows exactly what I’m going through, but who also holds the very cure
my heart seeks. His name is Jesus. And I’m coming back to the Him. Depression
is not something that is going to just erase from my life, but there is no
other way to survive it. He is my refuge. He is my hope. He is my healer. He loves
me. He will hold me when times are unbearable and laugh with me when bits
of strength push through to the surface.
He’s also there for you. Willing and
waiting for your permission to hold you. Cradle you. Heal that heart of yours.
So here it is; the 5 steps of having
victory over depression:
1.
Take it one day at a time. Don’t
focus so much on the best times of the past, but instead, on the promises of
the future.
2.
Dance. Seriously, whatever
song is stuck in your head, whether fast or slow, dance. There’s this life
altering, quite strength that comes with swaying to a song that has attached
itself to your heart.
3.
Find at least one positive in
every moment. Even the darkest moments.
So down that all you can do is lay in bed
staring at the ceiling? Well, obviously you have a comfortable bed. There’s a
positive! And no, I’m not trying to be
funny or annoying. I just know how easy it is to become consumed with the
darkness, despite the flecks of light around you.
4.
Be honest. That may mean
explaining to your coworkers that you’re having a really rough time right now
and they may see a little less of the bubbly part of your personality. It may
include telling your pastor or church family that you struggle with depression.
It may even mean telling your family that you need them. But whatever it is, be
honest about it. Allow those close to you the opportunity to walk this part of
your life with you. And don’t be ashamed of it.
5.
Last, but definitely not
least, don’t rely on only a list of things compiled by any person of this world
to overcome your depression. Seek Jesus. First and always. He is the one who
fashioned you. And He is the owner of Victory.
I love you
all. Far more than I could ever explain. And even in the midst of my own
disaster, I am praying for you. Because I know I’m not the only one here. <3 o:p="">
