Over the past few months I have been living life on a rollercoaster. I’ve been like a child who wonders into an amusement park. I found my way onto a ride and sat there, continuously, until the park closed for the night. After every cycle, there would be the option of getting off. All it would take was standing up and stepping onto the solid platform. But I wouldn’t. I refused to step down. Solid ground didn’t seem as appealing to me. On my rollercoaster, when things were good, they were great. The feelings I got while high in the air were untouchable. The coolness hit my face like rain drops on a hot day. I felt free. Happy. Alive. But my mistake was always forgetting about the downfalls. I would get so caught up in the feeling of being free, that I refused to open my eyes. But then the hard part came. Within seconds, I would fall. It was a fall that would steal your breathe away. It was fast and harsh. And by the time you I hit the bottom, I was so confused that I didn’t know how I got there. And the only thing left is the option to get off or to go again.
For the past two months, I have done nothing but choose option number two. Doing so has only caused an intense set of ups and downs. It wasn’t until yesterday that I realized it is time to step onto that solid and stable platform that has been calling my name the whole time. I had never thought about how hard some things in life can be. One would think that doing the safe thing would always be easier than venturing off into the unknown. But I am learning from experience that that is not the case at all. It should be. It just isn’t. Not for me, anyways. And now I am asking “how did I get here” and “why am I so scared?” Somewhere along the way I forgot the most important thing of all: God is enough. He is everything; all I need. At some point, I forgot that. I got caught up in life—the life that others expected me to lead. I let my boyfriend become the one I looked to for self-value. I let my friends become the only ones I confided in. And I let myself believe that without them, life wasn’t worth living.
Finding value in a boy can only get you so far. And I allowed myself to forget that. Jeff made me happy. He made me feel beautiful. He told me he loved me. With that came great expectations; Expectations that he would never be able to live up to. Letting my friends be the only ones I confided in wasn’t smart either. I stopped talking to God. Of course I still said my nighttime prayers and I still turned to Him when in desperate need of something. But that was it. I put Him on the back burner. It wasn’t until I lost the boyfriend and friends that I realized I had messed up. I was alone. At least, I thought I was.
Even now, as I write this, I am unsure of when exactly I forgot that God was enough. Before Jeff and I started dating, I was happy. I was in love with God and perfectly content with it just being me and Him. I had even confessed that if I never found a guy, I would be okay with that. I felt strong—like I had come so far in my walk. And I had! But once I developed feelings for someone, I slipped. I forgot how amazing my God was. I, instead, allowed my eyes to focus on someone else.
My point in all of this is that GOD IS ENOUGH! He is always the stable platform in our lives! His love does not waver like the trail of a rollercoaster. He is steady. He loves us unconditionally. He is always raining blessing over us whether we realize it or not! And the most amazing part of it all is that we don’t deserve any of it—none of it. We lose sight of that—of it all. We forget that the love we seek can only come from God. We look for it in others. I think we were all made for affection. Actually, I know it! But worldly affection doesn’t get us anywhere. God’s affection does. He is enough. I have to keep telling myself that, because although I KNOW it is true, there are times where I don’t feel it. And no, I don’t like admitting that, but I feel the need to be honest. I don’t know who is reading this. I’m not even sure that anyone is reading this! Ha. But I felt led to write this blog for two reasons: 1. as a healthy way for me to get my feelings/emotions out and 2. Because I think (and possibly hope) that my life—the struggles, joys and everything else that comes with it—will help someone. Being a Christian does not mean that life is easy. It doesn’t mean that everything is peachy and nothing ever goes wrong. That is not what being a Christian means. To me, being a Christian is about living life (the ups, downs and in betweens) and no matter what’s going on, giving thanks to God. Even when I don’t understand. Yes, I make mistakes. No, I’m not perfect. But I am loved for exactly who I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! And that, I know, is true.
Until next time,
Brittany Jade
