3-7-8

I’m back!

And as promised, I’ve knocked a few things off of the list and I’m here to share them with you! (If you haven't yet, take a look at my last post.)

Anyone who knows me can tell you that movies are one of my all-time favorite things. Seriously. I own way more than I should and they always make me feel better. 

Like music, there’s a movie to match my every emotion. 

So when I wandered to the Dublin flee market and found a rack with $1 movies, I was ecstatic. I’ll be honest and say that I could have bought the entire rack and been the happiest. BUT I practiced self-control and better budgeting skills and only allowed myself to spend $5. That said, I have marked off number 3!

3. Buy your favorite movies, thrift stores have steals on the classics!

Moving on down the list, I found myself in a very unusual mood one day. I didn’t want to go to town but I didn’t want to stay home either. 

I felt the walls were closing in around me, to-do lists coming from every angle of my life, screaming too loud for me to think. 

Suddenly I felt the need to breathe. To truly breathe. I stepped onto my front porch and a new peace fell upon me. I ended up spending the rest of the day on my porch. Reading. Eating mixed nuts. Listening. Looking. And it was one of the best things I’ve done in a while. Simply put, I conquered number 7. :)

7. Sit outside for 10 minutes, reflect and enjoy the creation God has 

placed you in.

Last, but not least, is "I Surrender" by Hillsong. Often times, I put my phone on iHeart Radio or Pandora so that I don’t have to focus on picking songs when getting ready in the morning. Sometimes, if the playlist is super awesome, I continue the streaming in the car on the way to work. And if I’m REALY lucky, a song comes on that completely stops 

me in my tracks. On a dark Tuesday morning, that’s exactly what happened. 

Without warning, I shattered. 

Emotions and hidden feelings surfaced quicker than I could pull my car over. The lyrics of this song and the way in which they related to me were terrifying, like someone had secretly broken in to the depths of my heart and stole everything I’d been hiding. 

Then the fear of it all subsided and a longing came over me. As hard as it is to explain, it was like the Lord was looking me in the face singing my own heartsong back to me. And because I realize that my words cannot possibly express the moment, I have pulled the song lyrics with the prayer that they’ll speak to you as well.

“Here I am down on my knees again. Surrendering all. Find me here, Lord as You draw me near.
I'm Desperate for You.

I surrender.
Drench my soul as mercy and grace unfold. I hunger and thirst.
With arms stretched wide, I know You hear my cry. Speak to me now.
I surrender. I wanna know You more.

Like a rushing wind, Jesus breathe within. Lord have Your way in me.”

I’ll leave you with this song and urge that you listen to it.With that, I mark off number 8 on the list. 

8. Find that one worship song that speaks volumes to you and BLAST IT LOUD, sing it, dance around and get enveloped in the moment, praising God!

With love and joy,

Brittany

Every. Single. One.

I read an article this morning--was totally God redirecting my thought process--that really lifted a dense darkness off my shoulders. Feeling all "I'm so single, poor me" I typed into the Pinterest search bar "single" and took a stroll through pins. Within the first 10 pins I saw an blog post entitled 41 Embraceable Moments for the Christian Single Girl. Being a woman who tries pretty hard to seek the Lord in all things, my heart jumped out with hope. 

I clicked. 
I read. 

In a moment when I was going to apply self hate and insecurity to the layers of my heart, God immediately offered me another option. Now, I'll admit when I clicked on it I expected 41 things that basically restated one simple sentence. "Seek the Lord." 

As a single woman, I think I speak for many of us when I say that we KNOW to seek the Lord. We DO seek the Lord. 

So of course as I begin to read this post, I'm not putting much faith into it. But it, thankfully, took me by surprise! A real list of 41 things! 41 options on how to spend our time and things to try and explore. 

Being single for 3 years now, I've been getting very anxious about this "season" and this was exactly what I needed. I'm so thankful for this blog post that I've decided to try all 41! 

Yep, every single one. 
Get it? 
SINGLE one? 
Haha, I'm so punny. :)

So, this is me making a promise to try all 41 of these, starting with coffee dates, sitting outside and cooking for friends! With that, I plan to post about all 41 of these experiences. So look for the pictures and posts! And practice embracing your singleness with me! 

And don't forget to enjoy the post for yourself too! It's so worth the read!
http://tirzahmag.com/2015/04/20/41-embraceable-moments-christian-single-girl/

With Love, Britt

Changes...

        It’s been almost a year since I last posted on here. But a sweet friend of mine challenged me to get back on the horse, and so here I am writing. 

        Truth is I’ve written a ton of things within the past year. The problem is that those words never escaped my head. It just seems that the thoughts hit me when I’m not directly in front of a computer screen. They come to me when I’m driving down a twisting road or searching the aisles at the grocery store for whatever is next on my list. Needless to say, I don’t just whip out my laptop and pop a squat in the middle of Wal-Mart in order to jot down my current feelings or thoughts. Hence no post in ten months. 

Recently, however, I redecorated my bedroom.

        When I moved in two years ago I chose the colors dark purple and beige. I felt it was more of a “grown up” color scheme in comparison to the bright, neon colors I’d had during my college years. For a while it was soothing. It was warm and comforting. It felt like home. 

        Fast-forward two years and those same colors were no longer warm, but dark. The soothing feeling had become the feeling of loneliness. The colors I had chosen had turned on me, playing a role in the sick skit that is my depression.

So for the past two weeks, I’ve been walking into a bright, joyfully colored room. And I must say… it’s nice. Coral and teal are plastered throughout the walls, chevron patterns and vibrant owls are strategically placed, offering a revitalizing space. 

        What I’ve realized (now that I’ve come to love the light) is that my bedroom for the past two years has perfectly reflected sin. Warm and comfy at first; Makes you feel “grown up”, making your own decisions, decorating the walls of your life however you want. Until one day you wake up and realize that the once comforting tone in your life is now the thing that haunts you most, dark and gloomy with no source of light. 

It’s overwhelming. But it’s not permanent.

        It’s changeable! You weren’t fashioned to be the interior decorator of your life. You were designed to be molded, decorated and celebrated by the One who created the colors of the rainbow, the One who made you simply to be loved. That’s what you were made for. Not darkness. Not sadness. Not loneliness disguised as a dim bedroom.  

        So open the curtains of your heart! Let the light in. Become a lover of His presence and watch the format of your life transform. It’s never too late for change. But even so, why wait any longer? Redecorate. 

With love,

Brittany Jade

5 Steps to Having Victory Over Depression

“I found my spot in the shadows of life. The corners untouched by even the most misplaced souls.

I hid in the dark, holding my breath. I isolated myself and covered up with independence. I threw trust to the curb and relied on only myself. My broken, scared self.

And I died.

Moment by moment, life slipped from my veins. And before I knew it, I was gone.”

This came from a not-so-lost page in my journal.

Sounds dramatic, I know. But that’s how depression is. Even if the actions of depression don’t show such drama, the thoughts and emotions of someone failing to survive it are so full of despair that they face the danger of it ripping them apart at any moment, from the inside out.

That is my life.

Daily, I struggle with depression, although I personally think it doesn't deserve that many letters. Four could do the trick. Ya know, a word that starts with H and ends with ELL. (And yes, the caps are definitely called for.)

You see, depression lurks in the parts of someone that could never be seen with the eye. It cuts you in all the worst places; the ones already beaten and bruised. It screams in a voice so hard to drown out that you catch yourself yelling back at it, tears streaming. It clings to your lungs, making each breath more difficult than the last.

It lies. It tortures. It mocks. And it cripples.

The last few months have been some of the darkest I've ever had.

And those around me may not even notice it. Because I've done my best to hide it. Ya see, I’m used to being the smiling girl. The one with all the jokes. The one to hand out encouragement and truth. And that’s a truly hard person to be when you can barely breathe yourself.

I’m a teacher, spending my days emptying myself so that my students may be full. I’m a youth director, all efforts going to be a safe person in the lives of some who have no one to call their own. I’m a friend, a daughter, a sister; each of which require some sort of selflessness. Each with its own standards, formed by many different people. And in these last few months, I have come to learn just how intense those standards are. Some require me to hide that I’m human and I actually break sometimes. Some seek only acts of kindness, love and influence without the option of honesty. Others entail a happy-go-lucky Christian who is protected by life’s hard moments by the shield of religion and padded pews. And I can’t meet any of those. Because I am human and I not only do I break sometimes, but I’m currently in a place of brokenness.

And that’s why I’m writing this. Not because I want attention, not for pity or “poor thing” responses. I’m writing this for all the others out there like me. The ones who are hurting so bad, they can barely see through their pain. I’m writing for everyone, male or female, so busy trying to live up to expectations that they have taken a break from seeking Truth, like I have.

I've slacked. I stepped away from my time and devotion to the Most High so that I could meet smiling expectations of those who don’t even have a clue of what’s going on with me. And I've wasted. I've wasted time. I've wasted energy. I've wasted away, piece by piece.

I stepped away from the only One who not only knows exactly what I’m going through, but who also holds the very cure my heart seeks. His name is Jesus. And I’m coming back to the Him. Depression is not something that is going to just erase from my life, but there is no other way to survive it. He is my refuge. He is my hope. He is my healer. He loves me. He will hold me when times are unbearable and laugh with me when bits of strength push through to the surface.

He’s also there for you. Willing and waiting for your permission to hold you. Cradle you. Heal that heart of yours.

So here it is; the 5 steps of having victory over depression:

1.      Take it one day at a time. Don’t focus so much on the best times of the past, but instead, on the promises of the future.

2.      Dance. Seriously, whatever song is stuck in your head, whether fast or slow, dance. There’s this life altering, quite strength that comes with swaying to a song that has attached itself to your heart.

3.      Find at least one positive in every moment. Even the darkest moments. 

      So down that all you can do is lay in bed staring at the ceiling? Well, obviously you have a comfortable bed. There’s a positive!  And no, I’m not trying to be funny or annoying. I just know how easy it is to become consumed with the darkness, despite the flecks of light around you.

4.      Be honest. That may mean explaining to your coworkers that you’re having a really rough time right now and they may see a little less of the bubbly part of your personality. It may include telling your pastor or church family that you struggle with depression. It may even mean telling your family that you need them. But whatever it is, be honest about it. Allow those close to you the opportunity to walk this part of your life with you. And don’t be ashamed of it.

5.      Last, but definitely not least, don’t rely on only a list of things compiled by any person of this world to overcome your depression. Seek Jesus. First and always. He is the one who fashioned you. And He is the owner of Victory.

I love you all. Far more than I could ever explain. And even in the midst of my own disaster, I am praying for you. Because I know I’m not the only one here. <3 o:p="">

A Needed Reminder

                This evening, I was blessed to join with some friends that I haven’t seen in a while and attend worship at their ministry. We planned to have dinner and hour before to catch up and chow down. As we navigated our way through the dining hall, we ordered meals, grabbed drinks and headed to pay. I was pulling my money out of my wallet when one of my friends came up beside me and informed me that he was going to pay for my dinner. Of course, I refused, telling him to save his money. And of course he won the battle. 

                Such a generous act of kindness was almost shocking to me. It was as if I couldn’t believe someone would do that without expecting anything in return. The act of thoughtfulness settled into the depths of my heart as we made our way into worship.

                When the pastor was done teaching and the worship team had finished leading, we resorted back downstairs to get our belongings and make our way to my car. It then hit me that I had left my leftovers in a small-group room. We immediately noticed that there was an important meeting going on, and neither of us was too excited to interrupt it just to grab my food. And in that moment, I was hit with shame. Here it was, someone had paid for my dinner—a dinner I could have and should have paid for myself—and I was potentially about to waste his money. Guilt settled in my stomach. 

                It wasn’t until I was headed home, rethinking the evening’s events, that it hit me. Jesus Christ paid a price for me that I should have paid myself. A price much greater than the cost of any dinner I’ve ever had. And yet so often I waste His glory and grace without a second thought. I leave leftovers, hidden in a box, to be thrown away or wasted. 

                In the end, my friend had knocked and went in to get my leftovers. He wasn’t worried about his money being wasted or even the possibility of being embarrassed when he entered the room. He was most concerned that I not go without. He was Christ-like. 

                I sometimes ignore God. I don’t thank Him enough. I try to gain control. I pretend I have it all together. And yet, in every moment, His heart yearns to take care of me. He goes out of His way to untangle things I’ve caused to knot and He gives even when I refuse to take.

                I was blessed this evening to join with friends I haven’t seen in a while and worship. But more importantly, I was reminded of the generous, faithful God I serve. And that is what matters most.

                                                                                                     In His Love,

                                                                                                     Brittany

Psalm 151

If I were to write a Psalm, here’s how it would go:

Lord, when will the morning come?

You’ve promised light and truth to wash over my night

Yet I have yet to see it.

Darkness surrounds me.

How much longer must I drown in the dusk of my thoughts

How much longer will my faded strength be all I have

How much longer?

Rescue me.

I beg You, rescue me from this pit.

I crave joy

I hunger for peace.

I sing your name

Though my voice is barely audible

My mouth releases praises

But my heart only aches.

Where are you, Lord?

Have you placed me in the corner?

Is this payoff for my lack of love?

Is this the shelf on which idleness has placed me?

How long until you take me down, dust me off and renew the heart within me?

How long, Lord?

For I seek restoration.

Renewing, I need.

Save me, Lord.

Save me, my God.