Fearfully.

Bless the day
This restoration is complete.
Dirty dusty something must be underneath.
So I scrape and I scuff
Though it's never quite enough.
I'm starting to see me finally.

A gallery of paintings new and paintings old.
I guess it's no surprise that I'm no Michael Angelo.
Every layer of mine hides a lovely design.
It might take a little patience,
It might take a little time

But you called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway.

-“Anyway” by Nicole Nordeman

This song was recently shown to me by one of my best friends/campus minister, Jen. From the first word through the last, there was no denying that this song is exactly where my heart is right now. For the past few months, I’ve been trying to cling to Psalm 139:14. (For I am fearfully and wonderfully made.) Every day I see things in myself that need to be worked on; Parts of me that are still in need of being molded by God. At times, I catch myself asking “I am so far from perfect. How could God see me as perfect? Fearfully and wonderfully made?” This song, however, opened my eyes to a lot!

I’ve been in love before. And when I was in love, I was so in love that the imperfections of the one I loved did nothing but make me love them more. Maybe that’s just the girly side of me. Or maybe that is something I got from my Father— a characteristic of God’s that I received. Because, like this song said, He sees our shame. He sees it! Every bit of it! And He puts us on the wall anyways! When we see nothing good in ourselves, He sees beauty. Beauty!! Not prettiness. Not attractiveness. Not just physical delight, but BEAUTY! Exquisiteness. Magnificence. Elegance. Perfection. That is what He sees!

We forget that. Instead of holding on to God’s words and promises, we rely on our own emotions; our own understandings. We let the world coax us into thinking we are not enough. But why? Why do we allow ourselves to believe such lies? FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. Fearfully! I have never been told the exact meaning of the word “fearfully” in this context, but I believe that when God made us, he was scared to mess up. Because He wanted to make us perfect—without mistake—He was careful. Fearfully, as in He cared so much that He took His time so He wouldn’t mess up. Maybe my interpretation of the word is way off. But either way, “fearfully” is a strong word. And if it’s meaning was not as strong, I don’t think it would have been put in the verse.

This blog isn’t as long as my others. But I don’t see a problem with that. God laid this on my heart and I got straight to the point. Short and honest. I don’t think anything more is needed.

Fearfully.

Say it out loud.

Hear the word.

Feel it.

Tell me it doesn’t have an effect on your heart. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You!

So, bless the day this restoration is complete; When we truly realize our beauty in God.

-Brittany Jade

Confessions: Who are we satisfying?

When I was younger, I always wanted one of those kitchen sets. You know, the ones with a stove, sink, oven, microwave, and all the little dishes and foods. They were always so appealing to me. For years I asked for one. One never came. Looking back, I realize how much that broke my young heart. Although that seems like a very small letdown, I’ve realized that it left a scar. I felt robbed. May sound dumb to you, but I was offended.

I never really got to have a childhood. Not like others do. By the time I was 10, I was practically running a household. Most children that age live for chicken nuggets, coloring books, elementary school, and Saturday morning cartoons. I, on the other hand, was different. I was in charge of making sure my mom was up and ready for work before I got on the bus to go to school. When school was over and the bus dropped me off at home, I had to clean the entire house (including dusting everything, mopping, etc) by the time my mom got home from work. If that wasn’t done in time, I paid for it with pain. I lived a life of fear. Even while writing this, I catch my hands shaking a little. I was terrified. Depression and anxiety had set in by the time I was 11. They seemed to arrive at the same time that my mom’s drug addiction did. After living a life full of letdowns and negative comments like “You’re ugly. You’re stupid. You are no one. No one will ever love you”, I have found that I believed them. Even worse, is that I caught myself repeating them in my heart.

No, I’m not trying to give my life story. That would take way more than a couple hundred words. But I do have a point. Many of us were robbed of things we were younger, whether it be love, support, or whatever else. Not all of us had the movie-like childhood. Because of that, most of us have let things sink in. We’ve allowed certain things to attach to our hearts—bury themselves in our core. Things like “I will never be good enough.” Or “no one will ever love me. I’m not deserving of it.” What I have learned in the past couple of months is that the Enemy wants just that. That’s how he gets us. He feeds us these lies and we cling to them. We cling because it’s all we’ve ever heard or because we can’t help but feel any different. It’s not cool and it’s cruel enough to kill, but we have a roll in it. We choose to believe it. We are the ones who let it sink into our hearts. Yes, it may start when we are too young to realize what is going on, but now we can see it. If you really look down deep, you’ll realize what I’m talking about. How many times have you had a thought like “Man, I would love to do that!” and then followed it with “Nah, I would never be able to do that. I don’t have what it takes. I’m not good enough”? Or how many times have you looked in the mirror when about to leave home and said to yourself, “Wow, I look like crap today”? See! We do have a part in this! And although a lot of the things we say are smothered in sarcasm and humor, it doesn’t mean that we don’t believe or feel it. In reality, it’s a defense mechanism. It’s a way for us to express our true emotions without anyone paying too much attention to it.

But it has to stop here! We have to wake up and except the fact that we can no longer hide behind the Enemy’s lies. He doesn’t deserve the satisfaction! And we are freely giving it to him! And let’s not forget, Psalm 139. If you are a Christian, you’ve always heard that God loves you no matter what you do; No matter how much you mess up. So when reading this, my mind—and heart—are always in awe. Psalm 139:3 says “You are familiar with all my ways.” God knows all! He knows you! He knows me. And its not a passing knowledge. It’s an in depth knowledge. He knows EVERYTHING about us. And still loves us! Even in our darkest hour, He refuses to hide in the shadows. Psalm 139:14 is written “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Why can’t we say that every time we look in the mirror? Why can’t that be our confession every day? And as far as not being good enough, God never puts you up against something you cannot handle with His strength. And let me tell you, I’ve learned that God qualifies the called. He doesn’t call the qualified. So keep that in mind when deciding your daily confession. Our words really do shape our lives. So let your words be God’s words.

Some of us have been robbed of many things. It wasn’t fair, I know. But don’t let the things you have been robbed of become more than God. For the treasures He has stored for you (and I) are far more than any worldly possessions could be. Cling to that…

In awe of Him,

Brittay Jade.

When did God stop being enough?

Over the past few months I have been living life on a rollercoaster. I’ve been like a child who wonders into an amusement park. I found my way onto a ride and sat there, continuously, until the park closed for the night. After every cycle, there would be the option of getting off. All it would take was standing up and stepping onto the solid platform. But I wouldn’t. I refused to step down. Solid ground didn’t seem as appealing to me. On my rollercoaster, when things were good, they were great. The feelings I got while high in the air were untouchable. The coolness hit my face like rain drops on a hot day. I felt free. Happy. Alive. But my mistake was always forgetting about the downfalls. I would get so caught up in the feeling of being free, that I refused to open my eyes. But then the hard part came. Within seconds, I would fall. It was a fall that would steal your breathe away. It was fast and harsh. And by the time you I hit the bottom, I was so confused that I didn’t know how I got there. And the only thing left is the option to get off or to go again.

For the past two months, I have done nothing but choose option number two. Doing so has only caused an intense set of ups and downs. It wasn’t until yesterday that I realized it is time to step onto that solid and stable platform that has been calling my name the whole time. I had never thought about how hard some things in life can be. One would think that doing the safe thing would always be easier than venturing off into the unknown. But I am learning from experience that that is not the case at all. It should be. It just isn’t. Not for me, anyways. And now I am asking “how did I get here” and “why am I so scared?” Somewhere along the way I forgot the most important thing of all: God is enough. He is everything; all I need. At some point, I forgot that. I got caught up in life—the life that others expected me to lead. I let my boyfriend become the one I looked to for self-value. I let my friends become the only ones I confided in. And I let myself believe that without them, life wasn’t worth living.

Finding value in a boy can only get you so far. And I allowed myself to forget that. Jeff made me happy. He made me feel beautiful. He told me he loved me. With that came great expectations; Expectations that he would never be able to live up to. Letting my friends be the only ones I confided in wasn’t smart either. I stopped talking to God. Of course I still said my nighttime prayers and I still turned to Him when in desperate need of something. But that was it. I put Him on the back burner. It wasn’t until I lost the boyfriend and friends that I realized I had messed up. I was alone. At least, I thought I was.

Even now, as I write this, I am unsure of when exactly I forgot that God was enough. Before Jeff and I started dating, I was happy. I was in love with God and perfectly content with it just being me and Him. I had even confessed that if I never found a guy, I would be okay with that. I felt strong—like I had come so far in my walk. And I had! But once I developed feelings for someone, I slipped. I forgot how amazing my God was. I, instead, allowed my eyes to focus on someone else.

My point in all of this is that GOD IS ENOUGH! He is always the stable platform in our lives! His love does not waver like the trail of a rollercoaster. He is steady. He loves us unconditionally. He is always raining blessing over us whether we realize it or not! And the most amazing part of it all is that we don’t deserve any of it—none of it. We lose sight of that—of it all. We forget that the love we seek can only come from God. We look for it in others. I think we were all made for affection. Actually, I know it! But worldly affection doesn’t get us anywhere. God’s affection does. He is enough. I have to keep telling myself that, because although I KNOW it is true, there are times where I don’t feel it. And no, I don’t like admitting that, but I feel the need to be honest. I don’t know who is reading this. I’m not even sure that anyone is reading this! Ha. But I felt led to write this blog for two reasons: 1. as a healthy way for me to get my feelings/emotions out and 2. Because I think (and possibly hope) that my life—the struggles, joys and everything else that comes with it—will help someone. Being a Christian does not mean that life is easy. It doesn’t mean that everything is peachy and nothing ever goes wrong. That is not what being a Christian means. To me, being a Christian is about living life (the ups, downs and in betweens) and no matter what’s going on, giving thanks to God. Even when I don’t understand. Yes, I make mistakes. No, I’m not perfect. But I am loved for exactly who I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! And that, I know, is true.

Until next time,

Brittany Jade