Confessions: Who are we satisfying?

When I was younger, I always wanted one of those kitchen sets. You know, the ones with a stove, sink, oven, microwave, and all the little dishes and foods. They were always so appealing to me. For years I asked for one. One never came. Looking back, I realize how much that broke my young heart. Although that seems like a very small letdown, I’ve realized that it left a scar. I felt robbed. May sound dumb to you, but I was offended.

I never really got to have a childhood. Not like others do. By the time I was 10, I was practically running a household. Most children that age live for chicken nuggets, coloring books, elementary school, and Saturday morning cartoons. I, on the other hand, was different. I was in charge of making sure my mom was up and ready for work before I got on the bus to go to school. When school was over and the bus dropped me off at home, I had to clean the entire house (including dusting everything, mopping, etc) by the time my mom got home from work. If that wasn’t done in time, I paid for it with pain. I lived a life of fear. Even while writing this, I catch my hands shaking a little. I was terrified. Depression and anxiety had set in by the time I was 11. They seemed to arrive at the same time that my mom’s drug addiction did. After living a life full of letdowns and negative comments like “You’re ugly. You’re stupid. You are no one. No one will ever love you”, I have found that I believed them. Even worse, is that I caught myself repeating them in my heart.

No, I’m not trying to give my life story. That would take way more than a couple hundred words. But I do have a point. Many of us were robbed of things we were younger, whether it be love, support, or whatever else. Not all of us had the movie-like childhood. Because of that, most of us have let things sink in. We’ve allowed certain things to attach to our hearts—bury themselves in our core. Things like “I will never be good enough.” Or “no one will ever love me. I’m not deserving of it.” What I have learned in the past couple of months is that the Enemy wants just that. That’s how he gets us. He feeds us these lies and we cling to them. We cling because it’s all we’ve ever heard or because we can’t help but feel any different. It’s not cool and it’s cruel enough to kill, but we have a roll in it. We choose to believe it. We are the ones who let it sink into our hearts. Yes, it may start when we are too young to realize what is going on, but now we can see it. If you really look down deep, you’ll realize what I’m talking about. How many times have you had a thought like “Man, I would love to do that!” and then followed it with “Nah, I would never be able to do that. I don’t have what it takes. I’m not good enough”? Or how many times have you looked in the mirror when about to leave home and said to yourself, “Wow, I look like crap today”? See! We do have a part in this! And although a lot of the things we say are smothered in sarcasm and humor, it doesn’t mean that we don’t believe or feel it. In reality, it’s a defense mechanism. It’s a way for us to express our true emotions without anyone paying too much attention to it.

But it has to stop here! We have to wake up and except the fact that we can no longer hide behind the Enemy’s lies. He doesn’t deserve the satisfaction! And we are freely giving it to him! And let’s not forget, Psalm 139. If you are a Christian, you’ve always heard that God loves you no matter what you do; No matter how much you mess up. So when reading this, my mind—and heart—are always in awe. Psalm 139:3 says “You are familiar with all my ways.” God knows all! He knows you! He knows me. And its not a passing knowledge. It’s an in depth knowledge. He knows EVERYTHING about us. And still loves us! Even in our darkest hour, He refuses to hide in the shadows. Psalm 139:14 is written “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Why can’t we say that every time we look in the mirror? Why can’t that be our confession every day? And as far as not being good enough, God never puts you up against something you cannot handle with His strength. And let me tell you, I’ve learned that God qualifies the called. He doesn’t call the qualified. So keep that in mind when deciding your daily confession. Our words really do shape our lives. So let your words be God’s words.

Some of us have been robbed of many things. It wasn’t fair, I know. But don’t let the things you have been robbed of become more than God. For the treasures He has stored for you (and I) are far more than any worldly possessions could be. Cling to that…

In awe of Him,

Brittay Jade.